Tuesday, April 14, 2009
At My Gym
At my gym the most out of shape person is the one behind the counter.
At my gym we don’t have coaches or trainers or even instructors. We have fitness monitors.
At my gym we have one squat rack and three different inner/outer thigh machines.
At my gym you’re expected to wipe down the machine after each use. Sweating is rather frowned upon.
At my gym if I fall to the ground after a workout they come running with the defibrillator kit.
At my gym you need a “machine” to do cardio, and there’s a TV for every two “machines” so you won’t get bored while you workout.
At my gym they play light rock favorites to create a pleasant atmosphere.
At my gym balancing on a ball while twirling pink plastic dumbbells over your head is considered a workout.
At my gym the “exercise stations” are numbered and color coded and you’re expected to use them in order, spending no more than a minute at each station.
At my gym you don’t workout, you do routines.
At my gym the only chalk is on the menu board behind the snack counter.
At my gym the people who pay their bill every month are more valued than the people who show up every day and work hard.
At my gym they have no idea what fitness is or how to achieve it.
At my gym we’re going to tear down their house of cards and liberate their ignorant clientele. Shine the light of truth into every dark corner of confusion, mistruth and false paradigm. Tear off those manacles of NordicTrack and Nautili. Urge their clients to put down their rice cakes and sports drinks and follow us along the hard and straight and narrow road that will lead them to the men and women they were meant to be. And on that day, oh yes on that day, when we are all strong and fit and capable we will melt down those thigh machines to make kettlebells and we will teach those fitness monitors how to squat. And on that day I will say,
At my gym we do CrossFit.